Top Ten Ways that the Megillah would read differently today:

[Inspired by material from Babaganews, and modified by my Benai Mitzvah class]


10. King Ah-chash-vay-rosh hosts the reality TV show “What Not to Wear” and invites Queen Vashti as his first contestant. She refuses, and runs off to Persian Disneyland instead.

9. The King’s ministers, looking for the most beautiful women throughout the United 127 Provinces of Persia, sponsor tweets, Facebook ads, and offer $10 per text message for contestants, to gather for a royal version of “Persia’s Next Top Model”.

8. Esther competes on “Persian Idol,” and receives 100% of the vote sweeping away all other contestants.

7. Mordechai uses the video camera in his iPhone 4 to catch Bigtan and Teresh plotting to kill the King, and releases the video YouTube, and it goes viral.

6. Haman consults IBM’s new computer Watson to find the ideal date on which to execute the Jews.

5. Esther’s three-day fast gets covered by Oprah and becomes the next lose-weight-quick fad diet.

4. Esther holds a live competition in Vegas for the best chef to feed the King and Haman at their private party at the top of the Eiffel Tower.

3. Nike offers Mordechai a multi-million dollar contract to wear a Nike baseball cap when Haman drives him through town in the King’s Lamborghini convertible.

2. Esther reveals her Judaism, and exposes Haman’s plans to kill the Jews on Wikileaks, getting the King to condemn Haman to be Punk’d for the rest of his life.

1. Esther uses her new public awesomeness to convince Congress to let her be Queen and run for President of the United 127 Provinces of Persia.